[fic] how we ended up here; the killing; holder/linden; pg13

[krickets]

title; rating: how we ended up here; pg13
fandom, pairing; count: the killing, holder/linden; 897
notes: vague spoilers up to episode 1.10, post-ep, 72 hours (thanks slybrunette!)


Holder is there.

In the end, that's what all this keeps boiling down to. Except she's not entirely sure about that.

Not quite.

It's raining when they get back to his place. (It's always raining.) And Sarah can't even be bothered to care. But that seems to be the story of her life -- why she ended up in that place, why Jack's halfway across the country, why she's got no place to live and no fiance, and no anything, when it comes right down to it.

And so, okay, she knows this time is different. She knows that Holder, bless him, knows this is different. This isn't just your garden-variety, reckless neglect. No. This thing with the Larsen case? It's very real. And she wouldn't be a cop if she could just turn her back on that. But what kind of mother turns her back on her son? What kind of wife doesn't show up to her own wedding? The answer is no kind of mother. No kind of wife. And she knows she should feel guilty and ashamed, and there's a part of her that does, even when she tries her best to ignore it. But the other part of her? Well...

The thing about the rain is: When it comes?

The world gets wet.

That much she knows is true.

He holds the door for her and she kind of wants to punch him. He's there. Again. And she is grateful. But, she also kind of can't stand it. His face, filled with all that earnest concern that belies his usual demeanor, just makes her so hyper-aware that he is all she's got fucking left. And maybe she thinks, if that weren't the case? He'd abandon her too. Just like everyone else.

She can't decide whether to be angry or whether to grab on to him and never let go.

Maybe she'll do both.

-

She hadn't noticed the photograph next to his bed the last time she was here.

It's him and the kid from the hospital. In it they're smiling and the kid is so much younger than he is now, practically a baby, and Holder looks unaffected and healthy and happy. This was taken before... everything. Before he broke that little boy's heart, before he'd made all the mistakes he's trying so hard to make up for.

Sarah gets that.

If she didn't before, she does now.

She remembers photographs, having a real place to live, a place to call home. It's something that Jack gave her, a gift from the son that she's all but abandoned. The word home finally meant something after she had Jack. For once. Growing up, she never had that. But Holder did. And he still somehow managed to piss all that away and hurt the people closest to him.

Maybe they're more alike than she ever gave him credit for.

-

He's lying on the couch when she comes out, the framed picture in hand, only the flashing blue light of the television illuminating the room.

She stands there until he moves his legs, making a space for her, and when she sits down, he eases into a sitting position, turns off the tv.

"Tell me about him," she says, handing him the frame.

Holder just looks at her through the dark, his eyes soft at the edges with exhaustion, and maybe something else, puts the frame face-down on the coffee table and threads his fingers through hers. And she doesn't know what she expected him to say, really. What's the point of torturing themselves? She watches him as he tilts his head back, closes his eyes.

Sarah sinks against the couch, pulling his arm into her lap and letting her head fall to the side and against his shoulder, leaning on him.

But then, really, that's what she's been doing this whole time.

-

She wakes up in his arms.

She thinks about getting up, finding her way back to the bedroom, sleeping for another half an hour. But the thing is, she hasn't felt this comfortable in weeks. And the other thing? The two of them have work to do.

The light is breaking outside, and Rosie's killer still walks free.

"Do you remember when you said that sometimes things just stay broken?" she asks him, her voice groggy, the vague realization that he's got one hand on her hip and the other at the back of her neck, fingers tangled in her hair. "That sometimes they can never be fixed?"

Stephen rolls his neck and stretches, his arms high above them on the couch.

She hates to admit that the loss of contact chills her bones.

"Yeah," he says, finally. His voice full of a yawn. "What about it?"

"You still believe that?" She cranes her neck to meet his eyes, lifting her head just slightly. "I mean, if it can't be fixed, then what's the point?"

Holder reaches out and touches her face, his thumb brushing the stray hair from her cheek and back behind her ear. "The point is..." he starts. "We gotta try anyway, you know? World's fucked otherwise. Fucked anyway," he concedes. "But how else are we supposed to live with ourselves?"

Linden nods, presses her cheek back to his warm chest, fingers curling in the soft material of his t-shirt.

Maybe she'll sleep in after all.

-fin

Comments

[timidwildone.livejournal.com]

This is love. Just....love.
<3

[crickets.livejournal.com]

♥ Thank you!

[timewaslost.livejournal.com]

i just want to hug this okay

[crickets.livejournal.com]

Aw. That was totally the point, hehe. ♥ them!

[(Anonymous)]

YES! I CRAVE "The Killing" fanfiction. Thank you mucho for writing this one. Every time I stumble upon a fresh fic, or someone writes a new chapter to an existing fic, I am ecstatic. Ridiculously so.

Beautifully written. Believable. Loved it.

[crickets.livejournal.com]

Oh yay I'm so glad I could help you there, haha. I wish there were more of it. It's so rare and I ship them like burning. Thank you thank you!

[gagewhitney.livejournal.com]

This was just perfection. I want this fic to be on the show.

[crickets.livejournal.com]

You and me both!

[ozmissage.livejournal.com]

What kind of wife doesn't show up to her own wedding? The answer is no kind of mother. No kind of wife. And she knows she should feel guilty and ashamed, and there's a part of her that does, even when she tries her best to ignore it.

MY HEART. IT IS BROKEN. Dude, this is perfect. Hard and sweet all at the same time. And there was cuddling! I love how you write these two. GUH, just amazing. <333

[crickets.livejournal.com]

Yes. I really just needed them to cuddle. Like I need them to hug on the show. So if they won't give me at least a single damn hug then I'm going to have to write copious amounts of cuddle-fic.

THANK YOU!

[twilightthief.livejournal.com]

Can totally see this as canon. This must come true!

It was beautiful, darling.

[crickets.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[mollivanders.livejournal.com]

This is so wonderful; I love the last scene especially :)

[crickets.livejournal.com]

♥ Thank you dear!

[gigglemonster.livejournal.com]

Gosh I love this!
These wonderful, damaged human beings.
You should just write like post-ep fic for every episode lol. It won't be a complete episode until there is fic ;)

[crickets.livejournal.com]

Oh my gosh hi! Late response is late! Thank you gigglemonster! I'm so glad you liked this! ♥